Grief

Such a fun title right? Just invites one to read more.

I read something today that really stuck with me though. It was about the pandemic, and how the writer had to experience all the stages of grief.

What an interesting concept. My family has been processing grief since the loss of our mom/wife/grandma, for one year now. We have worked through so many of the stages, probably multiple times as most people do.

Anger, sadness, depression, denial, etc... We did it when my hubs lost his dad a few years ago. Truthfully, my hubs spent a lot of time in the guilt & anger stages. I've been busy with our little one, so I have probably spent more time just too busy & tired to think about grieving or being sad over my mom. It hits sometimes though.

So this idea of grieving over 2020 instantly resonated with me. Think about everything we have "lost" (quoted only because some have been temporary losses). 

All of a sudden we couldn't go anywhere. We couldn't see anyone. Our sense of complacency, safety, security, employment, whatever, was gone. It seemed like it happened over night. 

People are grumpy, angry, depressed, guilty, exhausted, and every other thing they could possibly be. As if they were moving through the stages of grief. As out mental health collectively deteriorates, so does our behavior. Suddenly positive interaction is something we literally have to fight to have. And who has energy for that?

Maybe, just maybe, if we could take a breathe, grieve what is gone, and walk through the grief, we could get to the other side.

We have all lost someone at sometime, so we should have empathy for this grieving process. The truth is, for those of us grieving a loved one, 2020 hasn't helped a whole lot. We don't really want to lose anyone else just yet, whether from a dumb virus, or a dumb comment, or a dumb action. 

Hello Again

Well, as a blogger, I am failing. It has been months since I have actually managed to get a post up.

I shall not recount for you all the ways in which this was made possible. I will however say no computer, and non-essential, stay-at-home order.

Moving on, today I decided to try using my trusty, ridiculously expensive, smartphone. (BTW - Does anyone else just sigh when hearing the price is year's smartphone model, realizing a new laptop could be cheaper?)

Anyways.

Since this option seems to be feasible, it also means I can blog during naptime. If you have been following along on social media, the little man doesn't nap well, BUT, if I just sit, and nurse, and sit, I can get a minimum of an hour to do something on my phone.

So far I've played with a digital art feature, watched YouTube, read my bible, made grocery lists, and now blog. 🙂

I've been watching a LOT of Bob Ross.

With Mother's Day coming, a special anniversary for me personally, and spring planting hopefully around the corner, I have posts planned for the whole week.

And I'm glad to be back!!!

Here I Am

Here I am!! After a surprising start to our 2019, I chose to focus on my 'OLW' or one little word, 'DELIGHT'. In true life-like fashion, the best laid plans, of mice and men, came to a halt.

The 'new' plan was much less delightful than anyone could predict, imagine or quite honestly, cope with. My 1st trimester of pregnancy ended with my mom beginning to have some difficulties physically. By my 3rd trimester, we learned that my mom had very little time left with us. She passed away as June came to a close, and our son was born as July was just beginning.

As these two things intersected so closely, my husband and I were very, very blessed to have some amazing friends surround us with prayer, support, meals, comfort, and so much love. At the same time, every single plan for our year and my business, flew right out the window.

Not only did we have some, let's call them intriguing, situations within my pregnancy, we also knew that the time we had with my mom was all the time we had. I had gained enough weight that the garden wasn't a viable option, and I wouldn’t have been able to harvest it anyway. I was drained physically, mentally, and emotionally. So I let slide my 'job', in favor of my family.

While there is absolutely no regret for decisions that were made, in putting my family first, my creativity is one of the things that fill me with joy, acts as a healing balm, and of course is the heart of my business. With less time to devote to it, and not much positive inspiration for it, there was less refilling of my spirit as well.

Now, as we are in the middle of October, with a year that is more blur than reality, I am discovering a new normal. Life with an infant, which I never thought I would be blessed to experience again. Life without a mom to call every time he does something I've either forgotten babies do, or something I'm excited he's done for the 1st time.

Business, even when working from home, must look different. Time looks different. Night's filled with less sleep, days filled with chores, and the most adorable baby, whose life I want to take in so completely, make little time for long projects.

Blogging also fell to the side. To sit down and pen anything in the midst of grief, confusion, busy, etc… seemed to suck more time and energy. Honestly, no one would've wanted to read anything I was thinking anyway. Grief and the chaos that surrounds preparing for death and life at the same time, have a way of muddling an already overdone pregnant women's brain. Emotions would have been high anyway (thank you pregnancy hormones!).

Our little 3 1/2 old bundle of energy is growing every day. Our 20 year old is learning adulting in new ways. My hormones have almost adjusted back to normal, or at least what a normal 3 month post-partum normal is. In fact, the little one just woke up  and I'm trying to convince him to sit here with me while I finish up this post…that I've been working on for 3 days, since we are simultaneously teething and going through a growth spurt and closing up my mom's Fiber Shop.

So here I am. Adjusting, adapting, trusting in a plan that is definitely not my own. Now if you will excuse me, there is a diaper calling my name and then we are off to put some of last year's frozen veggies through the food processor so baby will have new things to try!

Studio Update - FINALLY

After weeks of planning, adjusting, scheduling, rescheduling, and more, we finally have all our updates and news sorted through! I have to say I am super excited about all we have planned for 2019!! New product releases, new services, and some really fun stuff!!

There is a lot to share, so I am going to highlight some announcements and product releases so you can just scroll through. Ready?

WEBSITE - Our website is still not up. Sigh..... The biggest reason for this is my computer cable broke a pile of months back, which means tons of wiggling, adjusting, and sitting perfectly still. The dilemma then becomes trying to upload everything in a timely fashion. Hopefully a new computer will solve this problem!

SMALL BATCH WOOL PROCESSING - We are launching a NEW service! After struggling to locate Mill's that would spin our Babydoll Southdown wool, we started processing it ourselves. As time progressed we realized others were having the same problem. After doing a ton of research, talking to some local Mill owners about options, and working on a special order for another Babydoll owners, we decided to begin doing Small Batch Processing. We process 100% by hand, from scouring to spinning. Fees and info can be found on our website.

HATS - Hat making has always had a special place in my heart. Years ago I looked into getting started, but put it off for a variety of reasons. This is the year!  Most will be vintage style, because that is my favorite, but we have options to add more traditional and modern as we go. Look for their release in March!

WATERCOLORS - After a terrible start in 2018, we halted our watercolor launch. Problems with lost packages, delays, and assorted other issues led to us scrapping the whole project as we ran out of time. If you follow me, you know I experimented with plant based watercolors, which despite numerous recipes, just didn't dry correctly. Additional research and trials went into place and I'm super excited to announce that in February we will be releasing our FIRST set of watercolor paints!!

DYE PLANTS - I adore natural dyes. The fact that I (you) can grow beautiful plants in the garden to use to dye fiber just thrills me! Plans are already in place to expand our herb garden once again, along with adjustments to our garden spaces to accommodate dye plants beyond what we already have. We will begin offering dried plant material as soon as it is available this fall.

FLAX - Our flax patch will be increasing in size this year as well. Flax will be available for spinners this fall.

BLOG - I have been so bad about posting regularly. I get super busy, and usually end up relying on social media to share info. To take the pressure off, I will be posting once a week from here on out, focusing on the topics most requested by my followers on social media. I have almost the whole year planned out already, which is super helpful!

BABY - So this little surprise created some difficulty in moving forward with our 2019 plans. I will be taking time off to welcome our little one from the end of June (due the 26th) into July. The hubs and I want to soak up every minute with our unexpected miracle baby. As his or her arrival gets closer, we will adjust a few things and fill you in.

FINALLY, we have reached the end of the highlights. High on my request list via social media were video's. SO, I will begin uploading videos requested! This is not my comfort zone hence my dragging my feet to do any. I enjoy in person discussions so much more. There is a value in adding these as I have found, so stay tuned!

There is so much more planned for the year that I am excited about!! Far too much to list here. If you're not following me on Social Media, I definitely encourage you to, as that has info daily, and always has a link back here to the blog!

As always, I am so thankful for followers, customers, readers, and friends who have supported us throughout our journey! 2019 is going to be an amazing year and I can't wait to share it all!!

Surprising News

Just one week ago, I sat and shared that as of tomorrow, December 15th, we were going to be taking a break from the Studio, as we prepared to share NEW things in January. Men plan - God directs...and as we all know...does what He thinks is best despite our opinions!

This week we had some surprising news and wanted to share......

Baby Hazer - due summer 2019

We are a bit startled by this new development to say the least! If you don't know us, or haven't been following me for long, here is some info - my daughter will be 20 in just 2 months. It was a struggle for her dad & I to become pregnant. In the 20 years since, I have only had 2 other pregnancies, both ending in miscarriages. In fact, when Clark and I got married 7 years ago, I told him that if he planned on having bio-kids, I was not the person to be with! And yet here we are.

God obviously has a plan that He is just now choosing to share with us. SO, the next few weeks will be spent doing some re-figuring and re-working of the game plan for 2019. BUT, virtually every single thing we were working on can & will still move forward exactly as planned. Just maybe a little bit slower than planned.

I feel really good, just a little tired and a lot hungry! As planned, we'll announce all our other NEW stuff at the beginning of January.

In the meantime -

Merry Christmas from the Hazers!!

Ready for 2019?

December snuck right up on me this year! Our house is decorated, our menu is planned, and I am looking forward to a 'long winter's nap'. 💛 We still have some shopping and wrapping to do, so the nap will wait a bit. 

Honestly y'all it has been crazy - in good ways, God ways, and everything in between!! We sold out of things we never even bothered to remind people we had. We had special orders that kept us hopping, and with two businesses providing us with shelf space... well, you get the idea!

There will be an 'official' vacation announcement soon, but until then - we are closing our Studio doors from December 15th - January 2nd. We will reopen on January 3rd with a new look, a new feel, and so many other 'new' things! We are still struggling through our website decision, so thank you everyone for your patience!! It has been a blessing!!

You read correctly - NEW! God has opened doors, answered prayers, made ways, and provided some really great clarity for me, and for my family. Since I'm not usually one to follow along, but rather blaze the trail, of course this season will be no different.

We are gearing up for trail-blazing, different, fun, and of course, encouraging YOU to find beauty in the everyday. While our creative doors are closed, our holiday spirit will go into full force! Be sure to follow along on Facebook & Instagram as I share recipes, tips, and holiday joy! PLUS, our new kitchen sink and cabinet will be installed just after Christmas, so you won't want to miss those pictures!

Here are a few before:

Sink needs some work!

Base cabinet is metal. It is in really rough shape, leading to a FB
poll to see if we should keep it.

I can't wait to fill you all in!! 

Changes & Challenges

October is here! Pumpkins are decorating the porch which is all the farther I got this year. My foot has finally healed up enough that I can get busy doing all the things I couldn't for 8 weeks!

As this year has progressed, I've faced a number of changes and challenges in my world. One of my very dearest friends went through an extremely challenging season in her life.  One of my other friends experienced a life "overhaul" if you will, including moving.

It was a weird growing season in the Midwest. Spring forgot to come, rain came in sheets, and we currently have snow, flooding, and a lack of forward progress on harvesting.

My broken foot created havoc here at home....stairs abound in my world. I, being myself, pushed harder initially than I should have, which slowed the last few weeks down a bit.

On a personal level, growth came in bands of struggle, running, healing, and confusion. You know that place where you know what you know, but don't really like what you know? So you just sit in defiance to moving in truth because what you know is uncomfortable.

In the midst of all this 'stuff' I have learned a few things that I realize create a new challenge to how I do life.

Everything from our website, to this blog, to social media, to my focus must radically shift. Time away from each of my favorite things, has helped me to reconnect with who I am, what I want my life to be, and what I've been called to do.

Our website has been taken down, so I can rediscover more of a guest room feel, versus just commerce. Our home is once again being purged of the unnecessary. Coffee with friends is once again a primary focus. Church is smaller and more meaningful. Striving must take a back seat to living.

If this all sounds rather cryptic, stay tuned. As the weeks unfold, less cryptic and more practical will be coming!!!

Grounded By God

How can August already be here? It seems as if the summer has flown by this year!

The garden struggled for a little bit, mostly due to the lack of spring arriving in the Midwest. We went straight from snow to 95 degrees in a matter of 48 hours. Then it would not stop raining. Now in August we have seemingly spring/early summer weather. Talk about confusing the plants!

I have been running to keep up with everything that has been going on in life. Honestly, there was some running from God too. 

See, a pile of months ago, God began speaking to me about a few things. Things He wanted me to do. I was willing, but hesitant in a few of these areas. I had some concerns you see. So, I told Him, and I sat back to wait for clarity, confirmation, and boldness.

When some of these requests seemed to go unheard, I realized I probably just needed to move forward. I did not really want to. So I went with the busy to make sure I was properly distracted and consumed of course.

This week, God ended all that running. I broke my foot. I have been grounded. By God. I found it humorous and ironic and ridiculous. 

So, I sat. I rested. I ate, I napped, I got up and I got some stuff done. Then He spoke loudly. This was part of His best plan for me. I can not drive away, run away, or even walk away. I can hobble. I can use my smart-phone. I can accomplish some things, but not others. I can study and pray and think and plan. 

I do not usually over-spiritualize things. Sometimes flat tires are just flat tires. They don't fit into the schemes of the devil or Gods plan. We live in a fallen world, filled with nails that puncture tires. 

This time however, God clearly spoke that this was part of the plan. He didn't break my foot, but He knew it was going to happen, and He let it, and He intended it be useful for what He wants accomplished.

The day after I broke my foot, I found a flaw in my computer charger - the cable snapped. It would not work for anything. This was even more humorous as part of God's direction and path for me requires my computer. So I sat some more. Then I found the tape, attempted a fix, and hoped for the best. Today is the first day I have been able to get it to work as it should. 

So here I am. Blogging about how God can and will use any set of circumstances He wants to accomplish His plan. It may seem funny, or annoying, or even painful to us in the moment. BUT, if we can roll with it (or even just hobble with it!), it can be one of the coolest things we experience! 

I may not be enjoying some of the required rest and caution....especially since the garden is busy being useful finally...but I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am refocusing and not running and not arguing.  

Mother's Day & Miracles

Mother's Day is literally just a few days away and I am tickled!! Exactly one year ago, on Mother's Day, my life changed.

16 years ago, I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I spent years in and out of the doctor's office, fighting all kinds of battles on top of it. Breast cancer concerns and surgery, skin cancer scares, a lymphatic system that doesn’t look right…or work right. The doctors invited me back to see them so many times, I wished I was a hypochondriac. It would have been preferable.

Each year, my illness progressed a little more, and then a little more, and finally pushed me into bed 75% of the time. It just plain old sucked. Anyone who suffers from an 'invisible illness' knows how isolating, exhausting, and tedious it can be.

Me, being myself of course, just sucked it up, and moved through as though life was fine. So many reasons are attached to that. That should be a blog post of its own. Anywho, eventually I could no longer just move through life, and the impact was great. So great that I was finally at the point where I was willing to try all the useless medicine they were willing to prescribe.

While Fibro may have medicine that helps, CFS not so much. It only recently started getting the air time it needs to solve the problem. It is a wicked illness that needs be funded and researched and dealt with.

So, last year, I was at the lowest point of my life. I no longer could move through. I could no longer say to God I was okay walking through life according to His plan. In fact, I told Him the truth - His plan sucked. It was stupid, and I hated it. I was tired. I was sick and tired. And I was sick and tired of fighting battles. I was tired of people. I was in horrible pain, and spent hours just trying not to cry.

I told God that either He FINALLY heal me here on earth, or He was going to heal me in heaven. I no longer cared which, I just wanted healing. And I told Him to get on it….ASAP! I wish I could also tell you I was depressed, but who has time for such nonsense when you are in that much pain? And for the record, depression is no joke. It can be equally debilitating. But it is a separate issue - I wasn’t depressed, I was fed up and pissed. (Yes, sometimes followers of Jesus say bad words, we are human, and there aren't always 'christian' words that fit!)

Mother's Day rolled around, and I had the worst CFS spell of my journey. I passed out, and woke up with amnesia. Cool huh? My memory did come back mostly within a few days, and then slowly continued. At the same time, we all noticed a difference in the rest of my health. I was seemingly healthy.

 I had energy. I had stamina. I was eating, no headaches, no nausea, no insomnia, no pain. Just a 'normal' person. My lymphatic system began working correctly, and lymph nodes started shrinking to normal size. Within a month I started painting the exterior of my house. I planted a whole garden. I launched into some amazing things in the Studio. I could do ALL the things!

A year later….I am fine. I am healthy. (Perimenopause and allergies did remain unfortunately.) God miraculously healed me. Finally. After 15 years of trying all the things. He didn't just heal me physically though. He did some major heart repair as well. He opened my eyes to my identity in Him - I became the 'vintage God girl'. I got rid of over half the stuff in my home. I cleaned up a ton of messes. My home is now exactly what I always dreamed it would be.

My home, my world, my self, all underwent a major overhaul. It feels so good!!! This week, it struck me though how amazing it really has been.

I've been pretty wiped out this week. I had a moment of concern, but then realized that when you are working 12 hour days, 8 or so of those outdoors in sun and wind, and then adding in all the rest of life, 'normal' people get tired. I am just a normal, tired person. It feels amazing!! After so many years of having to limit my life, I have probably taken on way more than I should. But to live life, and be able to do ALL the things, feels so good. I hate the thought of missing even one moment of life now.

Do you know what else I realized? That if this Mother's Day comes, and suddenly it were to all end, I would be okay. It wasn't ever about the house, or the doing, or the belief. It was about the opportunities I had this year. My heart is content, with whatever I am asked to walk through, because I didn't waste one second of the precious gift of healing God sent. I made every single second count for something. I loved people more fully than I ever have before. I shared my heart and my time and my joy. I shared my blessings with everyone. I gave away everything I could, and God provided enough for my family still.

I moved in the Spirit, ditched the planner, learned who I was. I made amazing new friends, shared heartaches with long-time friends, prayed with those who felt left out. I found the truest form of joy, and despite all the rocky things that life still brings, I was okay. Is there any better gift to have received?

So often when we hear about miracles, we secretly wish them for ourselves. We feel a small pang of jealousy. We want to know the secret to having them in our lives. I have come to believe that the secret is this - God does what He wants, when He wants. We get to choose what we see and how we react. It is entirely on Him to do what is best. If He would have healed me years ago, when I originally asked, would He have received as great a thanks from me? Would it have had such a tremendous impact on my life? Would it even have seemed miraculous?

I learned that there so many miracles every single day. Sometimes we overlook them. We don't see them for the miracles they really are. We plant what look like dead little seeds into the ground, water them, and wait. Miraculously they grow! One little seed grows a whole plant. A tomato seed is tiny, but it grows a plant, and then stuff to eat!! That is just awesome isn't it? The seasons never fail to show up…sometimes they get confused about when they are supposed to arrive, but they always get here.

Modern medicine is even a miracle. Back in the day they used poison for beauty, narcotics for everything, and couldn't save limbs, or sight, or life. Now, we can see, don't poison ourselves just to look pretty, have prosthetics, and can live through all kinds of illness.

This year for Mother's Day I asked my family for one thing - a day of rest, relaxation, and celebration of all that God has done. An opportunity to celebrate with gratefulness, and thankfulness, and awe of a God who works everything out in our lives for our ultimate good, and for His ultimate glory.

I probably should add one more little detail. This marks the 19th year I get to celebrate being a mom. God miraculously and graciously allowed me to have a child to keep. While my daughter has some siblings in heaven, she remained here. It has been a joy getting to watch her grow, and a privilege to be a mom 'in real life'. To all the mom's who must celebrate as their little ones are in heaven, hanging out with their daddy there - the biggest of hugs to you!! It never gets easier, it just gets different. 

The Five-Hundredth Day of Winter

Hey y'all!!! Did you miss me?

If you follow me on social media, you will know that I have been busy redoing every room in my house!!! Furniture has been remade, moved, donated, replaced, refurbished, and so on. Walls, floors and cabinets have been repainted, and there is still one whole entryway plus hallway that I have not yet painted....because I was tired of painting!

I also swapped my guest room & Studio around, which has meant the hugest de-stash I've ever done! It really wasn't that hard once I got started.

The other issue around here has been the never ending winter. I swear we are on day 500 of winter in the Midwest. Go visit FB and you will see meme's popping up all over from the Midwest for this very reason. It is supposed to be 'April showers bring May flowers'. Do you see the words April snow anywhere?

Today severe thunderstorms, which will give way to measurable snow fall. Our farmers are not happy, as they can not plant yet. We are not happy because we can not do anything outdoors either.

500 days of winter has had me thinking though. A few months back I was talking to a friend about the notion of seasons, and how we are so quick to talk about the season of life we're in. You know, marriage, parenting, parenting teens, trying to remember life without kids. Sorry, got off track for a minute as my 'kid' is now an adult, who is currently sharing her thoughts about how hard being an adult is...while she lives with me and does not do the grocery shopping. Sigh...

Anywho, my belief was that we possibly take the seasons thing too far. It's as if we give ourselves permission to stay in any given season until by some miraculous thunder clap (the heavens literally just clapped here), we will 'grow out of it'. Her belief is that seasons of life are completely biblical and until God does provide the thunder, you just stay there.

500 days into winter I see her point so much more clearly. However, I am SO over winter. This next round of freezing could literally take out ALL my fruit trees, my flowers, and just about destroy our chances at growing much. This is one of those times where I would personally like to plow (see what I did there in light of the snow coming?) through and just move into another season of life.

Currently my family is experiencing a season of questions. Actually, I am really the only one, unless you count the mini-me living here. God opened so many doors. He has done so many awesome things! He is still doing so many awesome things...so which way do I start walking? 500 days of choices, 500 days of steps, 500 days of thinking, praying, questioning, thanking, choosing, and so much more.

If I had joined the whole count your steps movement, I would be jumping up and down over how many I have taken. I would not be as enthusiastic to realize that for every step, there were six more super options just up ahead.

My 'OLW' was BLOOM...which you can NOT do in the winter. Spring will eventually arrive and so will some answers. In the meantime, I will keep taking steps, thanking God that I can, and being enthusiastic to see what lies ahead!!!

Stuffed Mushrooms

'Tis the season for baking, cooking, roasts, etc… The cold weather always leads me into my kitchen, with a need to create hot, warm, filling meals. This also means I often have ingredients around that I don't always use. 

This past weekend, I happened to have some left over mushrooms and wanted to do something with them so they were more than just an addition to salad. I have had stuffed mushrooms before and that sounded tasty, so off to look for a recipe.

I couldn’t find any recipe where I had all the ingredients required, or the time for that matter, so I created one that worked with what I had on hand. I should also add that I only had half of a package of mushrooms, but made a full batch of the filling, and froze what I didn’t use for the next time I make these.

Ingredients:

• 1 package mushrooms (look for large caps, over an inch in diameter which makes stuffing a snap! I had mid-range button, and they worked okay, but were a little small)
• 2 cloves minced garlic (if you have smaller cloves from the middle, use 3)
• 2 tsp. dried oregano
• 2 slices thick cut homemade bread (you can substitute country bread, or Italian bread here); soak in milk; squeeze until no more milk runs out
• 1/8 c. Parmesan cheese
• 1/4 c. Mozzarella cheese
• 4 egg yolks (I had them leftover from royal icing production the day before; you could use 2 whole eggs)
• Salt & pepper

1. Preheat oven to 350o F. Oil a large baking dish to hold all mushrooms with no crowding, single layer. I used an 8x8 square which had plenty of room for a whole package of mushrooms.

2. Remove mushroom stems and set aside. Wipe caps with a damp paper towel or brush.

3. Trim ends off stems, then chop finely.

4. Heat 2 T of olive oil in a sauté pan over medium heat. (I used one of my cast iron skillets.) Add chopped mushroom stems, garlic, and oregano, stirring frequently, about 10 minutes, or until stems are soft.

5. Place cooked stems in a bowl with soaked bread, eggs, and cheese. Mix well. If the filling seems dry, you can add a little olive oil. It should be moist, not wet. Add 1 tsp. salt and 1/2 tsp of pepper to season. Mix well.

6. Spoon filling into mushroom caps, mounding it up a little. Place caps in prepared pan, with filling side up.

7. Add water to baking dish, about 1/3 of height of the mushroom caps.

8. Bake until filling is golden and mushrooms are tender, about 35 minutes. Serve immediately, while warm. I used tongs to remove the mushrooms from the baking dish and to transfer to a serving plate. We let them cool for like 2 minutes, then we literally just gobbled them they were so good!

You could add in some cooked, crumbled bacon....or maybe some cooked, crumbled sausage, for a heartier version. You could also change up the cheese - more Parmesan, or add in some Romano, maybe some grated Swiss with the bacon. So many possibilities!!!!