The Hubby

I just got done telling the hubby that he was to be featured in my post this morning. Poor guy. He just kind of looked at me. I then explained the reasoning......bedtime. Now before you decide to stop reading, fearing this is a TMI post, it probably is, but stick with me here, because it's good for a chuckle. I wrote it in my head last night while trying to fall asleep.

I am apparently 'no bigger than a fart'. This is my husbands new favorite way to describe me. He was quite proud of himself in fact, to have come up with such a clever description of me. It does however leave something to be desired in my mind. He then had to run out and share his cleverness with others. It is just so amazing to hear his co-workers tell me how it's true, I'm no bigger than a fart. He could have just said I'm petite, but men don't actually talk that way in real life. Silly romance novels. Anyhow, in case this description is not working for you, I'm petite in weight and height. My hubby is not. He is a foot taller and double my weight. So by his logic, based on his description of me, this would make him 'a fart'...right?

He seems to believe that our full size bed is his, snoring does not truly exist in the real world, and that a good nights rest can be had by all. I seem to believe that the spare bedroom is becoming a very real possibility if I intend to find this good night's rest I keep hearing about. Lest you think I'm being cruel, or teasing a bit too much.....he laughingly shares these adventures with his friends, my friends, the neighbors....

Mind you, I am only entitled to space on the bed if I get there first. If we go to bed together, he lays on top of the covers which I need to stay warm, falls into a snoring spell, and then proceeds to determine what space he needs in order to give each and every appendage enough room to breathe. If this means I have a leg shoving me off the bed, well, that's just the way it is. If this means his elbow is millimeters away from my nose, I have to trust the Almighty God to protect me.

When it's really cold, apparently I've been known to attempt to cuddle up to him, which is unacceptable as this means that is he forced to try to regain his space on the bed. It would also seem, that I somehow magically grow when asleep, and become impossible to move. But since he takes the covers and kicks them to the end of the bed, how else would I stay warm but to cuddle? Hello, I like warmth when it's cold.

So don't tell him, I want it to be a surprise, but I think I'm going to be saving my pennies and purchasing a larger bed. And ear plugs. And I'm going to find this elusive place called 'dreamland' where a good night's sleep can be had by all.

Strength

I have a confession: I'm not really a strong person. I just play one on TV. Stoic Kim, that's me. See, I'm smiling. :D

I filled out one of those personality/gift profiles a few years ago. One of the questions was what hard things had you experienced in your life. The list was probably only about 20 things long. I checked off more than 3/4 of them. Today, I could actually check off the whole list. This is not something I think one should be proud of. I hate that list. In fact, I wish God would have not allowed that list in my life. (The test also confirmed what I've always known - I'm an extreme Type-A. What a waste of time. I could have just told them that!) 

Really, I'm an insecure, fearful, doubtful person who gets up everyday determined not to let anything keep me down. If I pretend I'm fine, I will be fine. I tell myself I have limitless strength, I am joyful, I am capable, I will not be beaten, I will not be defeated. Sometimes though, I really just want to go back to bed. This is where my stubbornness is actually a gift. I REFUSE TO ACCEPT DEFEAT! I will not give up, I will remain stoic, I will remain brave, I will tell myself this until I believe it. I will not go down without a fight. A long time ago I did a dumb thing....I told the devil that he would have to steal my last breathe in order to defeat me. Don't think he hasn't tried. Been there, done that, stupid thing to do I admit. If you choose to tell the devil to do his best, he will and you best be prepared for the fight of your life. On the plus side, God does most of the battling for you. IF YOU REMEMBER TO LET HIM!! (Notice the capitals - I forget this a LOT!)

While I may seem confident, strong, capable....this is only because I work diligently every day to cling to a promise that was spoken over me many years ago by my best friend - 'God must have big plans for your life, if this is what you're going through'. Let me just tell you that each time this was said, I could have gagged. I did NOT want to hear about some big plan, I wanted to wallow in self-pity and defeat. I wanted to run away and give up. I did NOT want to be able to fill out the WHOLE list of tough stuff. But those words forged something in my soul that keeps me moving forward. 

My husband actually asked me once when I ever doubted God? Boy did I fool him!? This broke my heart, because I wasn't trying to fool him, I was trying to sound hopeful and supportive, encourage him in his faith. Kind of backfired. Truthfully, I'm not strong enough to get through anything, and my faith is usually smaller than a mustard seed. No mountain moving for me. I'm overwhelmed, tired, weak, and my heart is breaking. I have family and friends hurting so deeply today, I feel it in my soul and am crying with them, crying out to God for intervention and healing. I do not feel strong today. 

Matthew West has a song, "Strong Enough", that speaks to this very thing (he is actually quoting the Bible, but the song is easier to sing along too.) "Maybe that's the point, to reach the point of giving up. 'Cuz when I finally, finally hit rock bottom, that's when I start looking up". When we get to the end of our rope, the end of our strength, the end of our ability, that's when God finally has the chance to shine and do what only He can do. When we think we're strong, we forget to ask Him for help. When we just can't go on anymore, we remember He's there. How many tears does God cry waiting for us to just look up and let Him do His thing?

What's even sadder? When so many of us, myself included, who claim to follow God, finally let go and let our real weak self through.....we got beat up, put down, criticized....by others of us that claim to follow God. This is backwards people!! It takes more strength to say "I can't do this, so God has to", than it does to go and try to do it ourselves. Let me be abundantly clear here - some of us are only here because of God. There were times when we were so overwhelmed we almost gave up permanently. We may hide behind a mask of strength, but that's because you shot us in the knees when we were already limping. We learned to NEVER make the mistake of showing our weakness EVER again.

Truthfully, I have to thank God that I completed that horrible list. I would never have gotten here without it. I would have no empathy, no compassion, no desire to get up again. I wouldn't be able to see the blessings in my life. I'd be shooting people in the knees while they were limping. 

Quitters

Hard truth - I hate quitters! Don't care what you think or how this makes you feel. I hate quitters. Quitters never really try, or give up when things overwhelm them. My question - how does this solve anything?

Everyone has tough times, gets down in the dumps, feels trapped by circumstances or situations, has set-backs. Most of us get up again. Quitters stay down. They like the "Pit of Despair".  Have you ever seen The Princess Bride? My all time most fave movie. The Pit of Despair is where Wesley ends up. It's a place of torture, medieval  meanness exemplified. Eventually his friends come find him, and discover he is not dead, just mostly dead, revive him and he leads the charge to overthrow the evil villains plot. Sounds kind of like a movie I wouldn't ordinarily watch....but it is HILARIOUS!

My long winded, descriptive point, is that he doesn't stay there and the Pit of Despair does not beat him or defeat him. It knocked him out for a bit. A BIT! If he would've just given up, then he wouldn't have been 'mostly dead', he would have been 'all dead'....and then who would've saved the princess? He didn't quit!!! He fought death all for the sake of true love.

What about us? How often do we quit, forgetting we're fighting for the sake of true love? Do we let the pit of despair mostly kill us? Do we stay there? A most famous phrase says that winners never quit and quitters never win. Deep and profound right? Yet how simple. If you don't start to run the race, you won't even cross the finish line. If you don't start you won't finish and you've ripped away any chance you had of even coming in second, let alone winning.

Someone really close to me made the comment that when life overwhelms, it can be defeating. I've lived with those that have this attitude and let me tell you, it will destroy your whole life. You will lose all that really matters, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself. You will destroy other's lives and hurt those around you. You will make a mockery of the idea of fighting for true love. You will be a quitter.....and quitters never win, nor do their team-mates. I want my team to win. I want the truest Love of all to be displayed in my life. I want to finish, even if it means coming in second. I want to accomplish what I was put here to accomplish. I want others to have a chance at winning too.

So, to the someone who has become overwhelmed and defeated I say this, stand up, dust yourself off, and rejoin the race. Don't let your team down. Don't let anyone steal from you all you've worked towards. Don't let anyone steal your joy, your dreams, your hopes, your life. The Bible says the thief comes in the night to do just that - steal what you have. He loves the pit of despair and loves when people fall there and stay there. If you let him, he will rob you blind.

If you can't get up on your own, let your team help you. Wesley's friends took him to Miracle Max, who was able to restore Wesley to 'all alive'. I know the greatest miracle worker of all, and He can restore you to all, fully, and joyfully alive....if you let Him. It's your choice...you can quit.....or you can get up and try again.

Wasn't That The Point?

Originally, this blog was supposed to be about my year of renewal. Since renewal was the topic, why not title this blog fittingly? Since my life truly consists of a home, many hobbies, and jobs, it seemed fitting....renewal would apply to all.

The point of focusing on renewal for 2012 was because the previous few years had their own words. As I've been writing though, I've realized that while I AM finding renewal in some small ways, there should actually be a bunch of different blogs. Possibly one for each area of my life as they seem to not overlap as well as I think they ought to since they are all a part of who I am.

Wasn't that the point? In finding renewal, all areas of my life would find there own refreshment and new look? My home and yard are experiencing some fresh new looks. My wardrobe has become more creative than in previous years. My hobbies are kind of still sitting, waiting for me to find time for them. My spiritual life is probably making the largest shift and seeing the most something.

Yet somehow, probably due to my own silliness in reading hard-hitting 'growth-type' books, it seems as if what I've actually found is stretching, not renewing. So I'm hoping that the renewing part comes as a result of the stretching part? As of this moment, the only thing I know for sure I've found is the exhaustion part.

Then again, that really was the point wasn't it? Growth and a renewed sense of self and goals and passions and calling? So maybe its just that I'm not super comfortable with the process. I really am an 'end-result' kind of girl I guess. Everything in the middle? Well, I figured out what its point is just yet.

My Own "Sunny" Story

I have this friend who literally has the oddest things happen in her life. They are usually hysterically funny, and I always think to myself, "why doesn't that kind of funny stuff happen to me?" She usually doesn't find these things as humorous or unbelievable as the rest of us do. She truly could write a book and make a million dollars! She always has a sunny disposition and outlook though, so she has earned the nickname 'Sunny'. Well, this week, I have managed to have my own unbelievable, would laugh if it wasn't me, moments! Finally! (I was less sunny though.)

The first two weeks of April are always the absolute worst two weeks of the year for me at work. They are the weeks when the books must be balanced and closed, two annual reports must be written, meetings are ongoing, and I work ridiculous hours, which while good for the finances, are less good for sleep & laundry.

Last week, my computer, (the holy grail) crashed and wiped out my printer. Much cussing ensued along with threats of the computer being given flying lessons. Thankfully, I was able to locate the problem, fix everything and locate our data. Whew!

This past Monday, we had 2 computers crash within 30 minutes of each other. Mine was one of the two. (Sadly, I believe the other one has had a major stroke and won't make it. Threat of wings did not motivate it to regain its life.) Once again, much cussing ensued, as this time it threatened the loss of ALL our financial data. I once again threatened a flying lesson. It would seem that my computer is aware that its life is dependent only on cooperation, so it made a miraculous recovery. Just in time for me to finish up my paperwork and close the books for yesterdays deadline.

It was as I was sharing my distress with my treasurer, that I was reminded of last years computer crash, also during the first two weeks of April. I have begun to sense a conspiracy here. Or is my computer merely telling me that I need a break, and sharing one with me? Possibly it really does want to learn to fly?

The 'Titleless' Post

The hardest thing to do is come up with a title for every post. Since I know what I want to say it should be easy, but in reality, how do you sum up any length of words with a simple title? Obviously I can't, so today's title is The Title-less Post!

My thoughts for today are mixed. I've discovered that when God REALLY wants to get my attention, He drops little hints, such as others bringing up the same topic within the spam of about a week. Usually, He does it in about a day, but sometimes a few days seem to be the rule. Today follows the 1 day + few week rule.

In thinking back on what was in my hand, there was an additional message that really irked me and I commented to a friend, that after missions, my second greatest passion was wishing to see more women in leadership who would speak to the rest of us women in leadership, and help us out. How to balance family and ministry, how to be submissive and lead...these are big deal topics and we needed them addressed better. This little aside was essentially forgotten until yesterday, when the discussion came up among family members (bad start right there) about women in ministry and what role's were appropriate for them. Then today, a podcast by a female leader addressed this same issue. Aha! God is obviously speaking!! And then, during the podcast a statement was made that is something else that I spoke out and against during my time in ministry. Okay God, I get it!

Now let me be clear, I'm not intending to address ANY of these issues specifically here. Today is more of the processing day. I'm in the midst of working through what exactly I'm supposed to do now that my attention is focused. That rising up in my spirit is at work though.

This year's journey is one messed up, mixed up, confusing place to be. Why address so very many things in me all at once? What exactly is the point here? Is this just a time of listening and learning? If so, I wonder if I'm hearing that right stuff.... Remember, I am a lover of plans and order. This whole throw a bunch of stuff together thing just doesn't do it for me! It seems to obviously do it for God though, so I guess He's decided we're going to do this His way. I suppose I ought to go with it and assume at some point there will be order and a clearly mapped out plan. :)

Studio Makeover

I started off well. I got part of the floor painted. Then I moved furniture around - for two days. Then put the same furniture back, just in different spots. Yesterday, after I got through every other thing on my to-do list, my order came in, and I excitedly went to finish my makeover.

The original plan was to completely redo the whole studio. Then I realized I liked the wall color, so I'd just paint the floor. Then, my 'dream' storage and furniture didn't drop in price the way I daydreamed they would, which left them still more expensive then I would like them to be. Then I realized that some of the furniture I could use, was buried under all the things I moved to redo the studio in the first place. This left me with more future cleaning and redoing, so it sat. 

Making over the studio has turned into essentially cleaning the studio. And painting the floor. And pondering on if I really want to make it over at all. In order to create the space I really want, I not only have to be willing to do no crafting during that time, but I also will have to part with some of my favorite things. I like some of my favorite things. 

I think today, I'm going to sit at my now clean work space, take a gander around the room, and decide what I really want the room to be - at the very least, clean and organized, at the very most an inspirational space with all my most fave things. What do you do with a 6 ft. long walking spinning wheel? It really doesn't fit with any of the other decor.... What do you do with two treadle sewing machines, that you got for incredible prices but don't use? What do you do with craft supplies that you get out and use when the mood strikes you....twice a year?

Time to makeover my vision I guess....or just sit and craft in my clean and tidy space and see what comes to me!

Great Friday

Today is Good Friday. It is also the day the US joined WWI. The Library of Congress shared that fact today. Throughout the day I've read interesting tweets, posts, blogs, articles, verses, etc... about today and this weekend. Did you know it's a full moon? Did you know that liars and manipulator's destroy relationships? Did you know it is better for you if you forgive and move on? Did you know that so & so wrote a new book? Did you know you can compare a fart to true love?

There have been Bible verses throughout the day also. I think every reference to every sentence that describes Jesus death has been located and placed somewhere.

I personally said that it was a Great Friday...what else is there to say about a day, or couple of days, where we pause to remember what 1 man did? Doesn't matter if you believe He was the son of God, believe He was a great prophet or even if you believe He's real or not. If nothing else, believe that this person was memorable enough that for thousands of years we all stop and think about why he was memorable. At the very least he was a remarkable person. No one else in all of history has managed to create such tremendous controversy, debate, discussion, disagreement AND manage to have done so by telling us to love another and God. Most historical figures are known for their line of work, heartless treatment of others, something other than being nice.

At the very most he was indeed the son of God, who really did die for our sins...mine, yours, ours....pretty remarkable. At the very least, he would have been interesting to talk to. At the very most, He still is interesting to talk to. At the very least, he was kind. At the very most, He was far nicer and more loving than I'll ever hope to be .At the very least, he died for no reason. At the very most He died for the most important and best reason of all.

Something to think about, amid farts and love, WWI and the full moon.

Happiness

I don't know if you all heard, but March Sadness, whoops, I mean Madness, ended this past Monday. Kentucky beat Kansas, and now a whole year before it invades my home again! Whew! It was touch and go there for awhile as I thought it might invade forever! I quit paying attention as soon as my fave team was done....the very first weekend. :(

So I'm happy once again, as my hubby is no longer tied to the television - how many college sports challenges does 1 person need anyway? Silly me, preseason baseball will convert all those channels! Without formally counting, I believe there are approximately 1 hundred sports channels...I think I might be off by about 1000, but I just guessed.

Now that nicer weather is here kind of. Or at least coming here, I'd rather be outside enjoy it. For too many years now, I've had to sit and watch. I'm feeling so much better though, that I'm a bit anxious to see if I'm better enough to actually participate this year! That's my second happiness moment - the thought that I might be able to go on bike rides with the family, instead of hearing about it.

Now if only summer would descend in a slight, rather shy manner, sharing it's 80's with us for an extended period of time. It may keep the 90's and 100's to itself, as these temps are not good for anything but boating and swimming.

Grateful

There aren't words to describe how grateful I am to God right now. Right here in front of me sit a bunch of facts, that in my business major brain, make no sense whatsoever. Yet you can't argue with facts. And yes, they're facts - plain, simple, straightforward facts.

They represent God's provision. God's provision that I barely saw at the time, but now, see so clearly, that I'm in awe. Only God could have done it. No mistake, no coincidence, no confusion, no doubt.

So I'm grateful, and humble, and awed, and astounded. Another miracle, but only when looking backward. How sad I didn't see it at the time. At least I see it now, clearly.

So thank you Lord. Thank you for your provision, mercy, wisdom, and love for me. Thank you for stretching me until I thought I would break. Thank you for being you! I'm sure I'll need you to remind of this from time to time. I'm sure there will be more stretching along the way. But tonight I'm just so grateful!!

Workout

I just spent over an hour outside, in the fresh air, working in the garden. I think that should qualify as a workout! Plus Hannah & I walked a few blocks down to a friends.

The plan had been to maybe contemplate doing some of my workout video this morning. But I was uninspired. I think however I will count my outdoor time as my 'workout', especially since it involved stretching, weights, lifting, pruning, etc... It smells absolutely yummy out there. That fresh mowed, new dirt, flower blooming, spring smell.

Let that be a lesson to me....when uninspired, go do something else, and maybe you'll find either inspiration, or the same results! I know my back and arms already know they were doing something out of the ordinary! Let me say that raking leaves does not require the same muscle groups as carrying laundry baskets.