Another Truth Moment

This is the fourth time I've re-written this dumb blog. In fact, I just deleted 3 other posts that I never published because they were 'soap-box' moments. I was irritated with a lot of what I was hearing about situations in churches across the US, and just blew up on paper. Not really the way to handle things in life I know.

My journey of renewal has caused my eyes to be opened to some truths about my past, the abuses I've lived through, and some truths about what it has done to my today. I'm getting tired of being the strong one, the dependable one, the one that protects everyone else from themselves, their actions, the truth.

I have always detested it when people blame their current failures on their past. This happened, that happened, I was abused. My hatred of this excuse comes from the place in me that says, "yeah, so what? I lived through abuse too and I chose to do something - so do something." 

Don't post comments about how unkind this sounds, because I come from a long line of messed up people, and each one of us, while damaged, managed to make changes and stop certain abuses from continuing. We made choices to stand up and change the outcome. If we can do it, so can you. Some abuse takes longer to work through, get past...some take years of counseling. It is a process and that is where my empathy and kindness kicks in. At least get on the road to healing, don't just sit and make excuses - you CAN do it.

For me, healing has been a process. I would love to be one of those instantly delivered people, but that's not how God orchestrated my life. Thank God He didn't though. Each and every bit of healing that has come, has been what was needed for that time in my life. I'm still in process, and very grateful for that. It means that I can come alongside others who are in process and know how they feel.

I'm not a nationally know speaker, I've never written a book, I'm not a preacher. I'm just a real, 'normal' person, living day to day, just like you. I'm not an expert, I'm just in process too. By now, you have come to realize that I have lived through abuse. Some of it I talk about quite openly, some of it I will never talk about again. Some of it, only my husband knows in detail, some I've shared with whole groups of people. Some I dealt with as a child, some as an adult. Some my child knows about, some she doesn't and shouldn't. 

I never wanted pity, and never wanted to be seen as a 'survivor'. I didn't want anyone to know what had happened or was going on, because as is the case with most abuse, you're told if you tell it will only make things worse. Even adults are told this. "No one will believe you anyway." This is the greatest lie ever told and it makes me sick to think that I, or anyone else, has ever heard it. It was my job to act as if everything was fine....even if it wasn't.

I'm beginning to realize though that I'm still hiding behind that lie most days. I hear so often how I need to let go of the past, forgive, move on, protect those that did these things because they didn't mean it really or it doesn't really matter anymore. They said they were sorry, or they've already forgotten. There is a part of me that believes this is true. I do have to forgive, for my own sanity. I do have to work through it so I can heal and let go of it. BUT, I also know that for any of us that have survived - these are easy things to say and much harder to do. We are still living with the scars, and hearing that the abuser has forgotten it, while we're left dealing with the damage. OUCH!!!! Why not just tell us it never happened?!? 

Here is what I do know - if you are in the midst of an abusive situation - get out. I'll believe you. If you are still healing from past abuse - keep going, you can do it! If you're one of those that is just beside yourself because you grew up with the Cosby's for parent's and can't imagine....that's okay, just don't tell us how to fix ourselves. Don't 'help' us by reminding us to forgive, telling us we can do it, telling us you understand. Nope, you don't and that's awesome! Don't tell us how we can be 'healed'. Yeah, some of us have seen that miraculous healing, but God doesn't do that with all of us, and it's not because we don't have enough faith. It's because He's dealing with us in the way we need Him to and in the way He designed our lives. Go argue with God about my instant healing, but quit pestering me.....I'm not God and it's kind of in His hands.

I also know that I am so much farther along on this journey than I ever thought possible. I am a survivor! I have a lot of healing and renewal and joy! I'm in a stable, healthy marriage, I have a good job, I have a beautiful child, I am blessed! That is the truth and that is awesome! Of course I wish my story was different....kind of. My story makes me, me, and that's who I'm supposed to be!

Ignoring Wisdom

I read a blog, by a rather famous CEO, of a rather famous publishing house, that exalted the virtues of blogging, and how to motivate others to read said blog. I do not qualify as 'motivationally readable'. One reason? I make up phrases like motivationally readable, (which keeps popping up as a 'spell check' word and wasn't actually in the article). I suppose I will now also have to make up a definition. I'll get back to you on this.

While well intentioned, and definitely in a position to be the wisdom an aspiring author of any sort ought to listen to, I chose not to listen. I choose to make up phrases, ramble about nothing, not be especially entertaining or even all that profound. I choose instead to be the real me, and write what I'm feeling and thinking, even if grammatically incorrect. Besides, I'm not an aspiring author. Well, actually, that's because I've already been published. This is the point when you quite reading. I wrote a newspaper column extolling the value of herbs, herb garden, etc... I even got almost good at it. I just don't really have the desire right now to be a published author. Of a book. Or a readable blog.

Today I take my stand. I didn't start this looking for a million followers. I don't usually come up with any ideas on how to legitimately balance everything my family is doing. In fact, if we could figure out how to balance everything, I probably wouldn't need to focus on renewal this year. I don't know that I care that anyone reads it. If someone does, and finds something useful here, great. If not, oh well. I have a digitized journal that went so much faster than if I had hand-written it.

This did generate a thought process though. What if that's what everything in my life actually looked like? What if a really wise person, who I should listen to, gave me some great advice and I didn't listen? Hmmmm,  it would seem I've seen this play already. In the case of my silly little blog it truly doesn't matter if I listen to the wise counsel or not. I'm doing this more for myself. But what about all the other areas of life, where wisdom is right there for the listening? If I ignore that wisdom, aren't I saying that those areas are 'silly' or just for me?

(This is the place where I'm supposed to sum up, or offer some profound thought. But I think today, it'll be a cliff-hanger - another no-no if you want people to read what you write!)

The Spinning Wheel

I finally did it. I bought a spinning wheel! I've been spinning wool and angora on a drop spindle for a few years now. TEDIOUS!

I found a great little wheel and decided that since I've worked my tushy off the last few weeks, I had earned it. The hubby wisely did not argue. Of course I told him after the fact and located some compelling arguments about how it will pay for itself, since I can spin all the roving that's been sitting, then make these awesome purses (that everyone says are awesome) and sell them. Supplies are already on hand. He rolled his eyes.

I brought it home and the child and I set about putting it together. Girl Power! I then tried it out, spent 4 hours cursing at it, and finally went online to see why the blasted thing would NOT cooperate and do anything other than tear fibers out of my hand. Imagine my shame, when I discover that I have it set on the wrong settings. All of a sudden it worked just fine! Oops!

I haven't really had time to use it, except for once while watching TV with the family. I now have 3 skeins of yarn of my own, 1 skein for Hannah (her roving was horrible and the fibers were so short I thought I was going to loose my mind), and another batch I will get to start today! I'm so excited!! First I have to get cleaning, and get laundry going, and get to my studio and get caught up on workshops....

I love my stamp business, it's why I do it. But today I want to play on my spinning wheel. No jobs, no work, no household responsibilities. It could be considered a mini-vacation right? I'm sure if I suggest it, I will get more eye-rolling from the hubby! ;)

The Hubby

I just got done telling the hubby that he was to be featured in my post this morning. Poor guy. He just kind of looked at me. I then explained the reasoning......bedtime. Now before you decide to stop reading, fearing this is a TMI post, it probably is, but stick with me here, because it's good for a chuckle. I wrote it in my head last night while trying to fall asleep.

I am apparently 'no bigger than a fart'. This is my husbands new favorite way to describe me. He was quite proud of himself in fact, to have come up with such a clever description of me. It does however leave something to be desired in my mind. He then had to run out and share his cleverness with others. It is just so amazing to hear his co-workers tell me how it's true, I'm no bigger than a fart. He could have just said I'm petite, but men don't actually talk that way in real life. Silly romance novels. Anyhow, in case this description is not working for you, I'm petite in weight and height. My hubby is not. He is a foot taller and double my weight. So by his logic, based on his description of me, this would make him 'a fart'...right?

He seems to believe that our full size bed is his, snoring does not truly exist in the real world, and that a good nights rest can be had by all. I seem to believe that the spare bedroom is becoming a very real possibility if I intend to find this good night's rest I keep hearing about. Lest you think I'm being cruel, or teasing a bit too much.....he laughingly shares these adventures with his friends, my friends, the neighbors....

Mind you, I am only entitled to space on the bed if I get there first. If we go to bed together, he lays on top of the covers which I need to stay warm, falls into a snoring spell, and then proceeds to determine what space he needs in order to give each and every appendage enough room to breathe. If this means I have a leg shoving me off the bed, well, that's just the way it is. If this means his elbow is millimeters away from my nose, I have to trust the Almighty God to protect me.

When it's really cold, apparently I've been known to attempt to cuddle up to him, which is unacceptable as this means that is he forced to try to regain his space on the bed. It would also seem, that I somehow magically grow when asleep, and become impossible to move. But since he takes the covers and kicks them to the end of the bed, how else would I stay warm but to cuddle? Hello, I like warmth when it's cold.

So don't tell him, I want it to be a surprise, but I think I'm going to be saving my pennies and purchasing a larger bed. And ear plugs. And I'm going to find this elusive place called 'dreamland' where a good night's sleep can be had by all.

Strength

I have a confession: I'm not really a strong person. I just play one on TV. Stoic Kim, that's me. See, I'm smiling. :D

I filled out one of those personality/gift profiles a few years ago. One of the questions was what hard things had you experienced in your life. The list was probably only about 20 things long. I checked off more than 3/4 of them. Today, I could actually check off the whole list. This is not something I think one should be proud of. I hate that list. In fact, I wish God would have not allowed that list in my life. (The test also confirmed what I've always known - I'm an extreme Type-A. What a waste of time. I could have just told them that!) 

Really, I'm an insecure, fearful, doubtful person who gets up everyday determined not to let anything keep me down. If I pretend I'm fine, I will be fine. I tell myself I have limitless strength, I am joyful, I am capable, I will not be beaten, I will not be defeated. Sometimes though, I really just want to go back to bed. This is where my stubbornness is actually a gift. I REFUSE TO ACCEPT DEFEAT! I will not give up, I will remain stoic, I will remain brave, I will tell myself this until I believe it. I will not go down without a fight. A long time ago I did a dumb thing....I told the devil that he would have to steal my last breathe in order to defeat me. Don't think he hasn't tried. Been there, done that, stupid thing to do I admit. If you choose to tell the devil to do his best, he will and you best be prepared for the fight of your life. On the plus side, God does most of the battling for you. IF YOU REMEMBER TO LET HIM!! (Notice the capitals - I forget this a LOT!)

While I may seem confident, strong, capable....this is only because I work diligently every day to cling to a promise that was spoken over me many years ago by my best friend - 'God must have big plans for your life, if this is what you're going through'. Let me just tell you that each time this was said, I could have gagged. I did NOT want to hear about some big plan, I wanted to wallow in self-pity and defeat. I wanted to run away and give up. I did NOT want to be able to fill out the WHOLE list of tough stuff. But those words forged something in my soul that keeps me moving forward. 

My husband actually asked me once when I ever doubted God? Boy did I fool him!? This broke my heart, because I wasn't trying to fool him, I was trying to sound hopeful and supportive, encourage him in his faith. Kind of backfired. Truthfully, I'm not strong enough to get through anything, and my faith is usually smaller than a mustard seed. No mountain moving for me. I'm overwhelmed, tired, weak, and my heart is breaking. I have family and friends hurting so deeply today, I feel it in my soul and am crying with them, crying out to God for intervention and healing. I do not feel strong today. 

Matthew West has a song, "Strong Enough", that speaks to this very thing (he is actually quoting the Bible, but the song is easier to sing along too.) "Maybe that's the point, to reach the point of giving up. 'Cuz when I finally, finally hit rock bottom, that's when I start looking up". When we get to the end of our rope, the end of our strength, the end of our ability, that's when God finally has the chance to shine and do what only He can do. When we think we're strong, we forget to ask Him for help. When we just can't go on anymore, we remember He's there. How many tears does God cry waiting for us to just look up and let Him do His thing?

What's even sadder? When so many of us, myself included, who claim to follow God, finally let go and let our real weak self through.....we got beat up, put down, criticized....by others of us that claim to follow God. This is backwards people!! It takes more strength to say "I can't do this, so God has to", than it does to go and try to do it ourselves. Let me be abundantly clear here - some of us are only here because of God. There were times when we were so overwhelmed we almost gave up permanently. We may hide behind a mask of strength, but that's because you shot us in the knees when we were already limping. We learned to NEVER make the mistake of showing our weakness EVER again.

Truthfully, I have to thank God that I completed that horrible list. I would never have gotten here without it. I would have no empathy, no compassion, no desire to get up again. I wouldn't be able to see the blessings in my life. I'd be shooting people in the knees while they were limping. 

Quitters

Hard truth - I hate quitters! Don't care what you think or how this makes you feel. I hate quitters. Quitters never really try, or give up when things overwhelm them. My question - how does this solve anything?

Everyone has tough times, gets down in the dumps, feels trapped by circumstances or situations, has set-backs. Most of us get up again. Quitters stay down. They like the "Pit of Despair".  Have you ever seen The Princess Bride? My all time most fave movie. The Pit of Despair is where Wesley ends up. It's a place of torture, medieval  meanness exemplified. Eventually his friends come find him, and discover he is not dead, just mostly dead, revive him and he leads the charge to overthrow the evil villains plot. Sounds kind of like a movie I wouldn't ordinarily watch....but it is HILARIOUS!

My long winded, descriptive point, is that he doesn't stay there and the Pit of Despair does not beat him or defeat him. It knocked him out for a bit. A BIT! If he would've just given up, then he wouldn't have been 'mostly dead', he would have been 'all dead'....and then who would've saved the princess? He didn't quit!!! He fought death all for the sake of true love.

What about us? How often do we quit, forgetting we're fighting for the sake of true love? Do we let the pit of despair mostly kill us? Do we stay there? A most famous phrase says that winners never quit and quitters never win. Deep and profound right? Yet how simple. If you don't start to run the race, you won't even cross the finish line. If you don't start you won't finish and you've ripped away any chance you had of even coming in second, let alone winning.

Someone really close to me made the comment that when life overwhelms, it can be defeating. I've lived with those that have this attitude and let me tell you, it will destroy your whole life. You will lose all that really matters, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself. You will destroy other's lives and hurt those around you. You will make a mockery of the idea of fighting for true love. You will be a quitter.....and quitters never win, nor do their team-mates. I want my team to win. I want the truest Love of all to be displayed in my life. I want to finish, even if it means coming in second. I want to accomplish what I was put here to accomplish. I want others to have a chance at winning too.

So, to the someone who has become overwhelmed and defeated I say this, stand up, dust yourself off, and rejoin the race. Don't let your team down. Don't let anyone steal from you all you've worked towards. Don't let anyone steal your joy, your dreams, your hopes, your life. The Bible says the thief comes in the night to do just that - steal what you have. He loves the pit of despair and loves when people fall there and stay there. If you let him, he will rob you blind.

If you can't get up on your own, let your team help you. Wesley's friends took him to Miracle Max, who was able to restore Wesley to 'all alive'. I know the greatest miracle worker of all, and He can restore you to all, fully, and joyfully alive....if you let Him. It's your choice...you can quit.....or you can get up and try again.

Wasn't That The Point?

Originally, this blog was supposed to be about my year of renewal. Since renewal was the topic, why not title this blog fittingly? Since my life truly consists of a home, many hobbies, and jobs, it seemed fitting....renewal would apply to all.

The point of focusing on renewal for 2012 was because the previous few years had their own words. As I've been writing though, I've realized that while I AM finding renewal in some small ways, there should actually be a bunch of different blogs. Possibly one for each area of my life as they seem to not overlap as well as I think they ought to since they are all a part of who I am.

Wasn't that the point? In finding renewal, all areas of my life would find there own refreshment and new look? My home and yard are experiencing some fresh new looks. My wardrobe has become more creative than in previous years. My hobbies are kind of still sitting, waiting for me to find time for them. My spiritual life is probably making the largest shift and seeing the most something.

Yet somehow, probably due to my own silliness in reading hard-hitting 'growth-type' books, it seems as if what I've actually found is stretching, not renewing. So I'm hoping that the renewing part comes as a result of the stretching part? As of this moment, the only thing I know for sure I've found is the exhaustion part.

Then again, that really was the point wasn't it? Growth and a renewed sense of self and goals and passions and calling? So maybe its just that I'm not super comfortable with the process. I really am an 'end-result' kind of girl I guess. Everything in the middle? Well, I figured out what its point is just yet.

My Own "Sunny" Story

I have this friend who literally has the oddest things happen in her life. They are usually hysterically funny, and I always think to myself, "why doesn't that kind of funny stuff happen to me?" She usually doesn't find these things as humorous or unbelievable as the rest of us do. She truly could write a book and make a million dollars! She always has a sunny disposition and outlook though, so she has earned the nickname 'Sunny'. Well, this week, I have managed to have my own unbelievable, would laugh if it wasn't me, moments! Finally! (I was less sunny though.)

The first two weeks of April are always the absolute worst two weeks of the year for me at work. They are the weeks when the books must be balanced and closed, two annual reports must be written, meetings are ongoing, and I work ridiculous hours, which while good for the finances, are less good for sleep & laundry.

Last week, my computer, (the holy grail) crashed and wiped out my printer. Much cussing ensued along with threats of the computer being given flying lessons. Thankfully, I was able to locate the problem, fix everything and locate our data. Whew!

This past Monday, we had 2 computers crash within 30 minutes of each other. Mine was one of the two. (Sadly, I believe the other one has had a major stroke and won't make it. Threat of wings did not motivate it to regain its life.) Once again, much cussing ensued, as this time it threatened the loss of ALL our financial data. I once again threatened a flying lesson. It would seem that my computer is aware that its life is dependent only on cooperation, so it made a miraculous recovery. Just in time for me to finish up my paperwork and close the books for yesterdays deadline.

It was as I was sharing my distress with my treasurer, that I was reminded of last years computer crash, also during the first two weeks of April. I have begun to sense a conspiracy here. Or is my computer merely telling me that I need a break, and sharing one with me? Possibly it really does want to learn to fly?

The 'Titleless' Post

The hardest thing to do is come up with a title for every post. Since I know what I want to say it should be easy, but in reality, how do you sum up any length of words with a simple title? Obviously I can't, so today's title is The Title-less Post!

My thoughts for today are mixed. I've discovered that when God REALLY wants to get my attention, He drops little hints, such as others bringing up the same topic within the spam of about a week. Usually, He does it in about a day, but sometimes a few days seem to be the rule. Today follows the 1 day + few week rule.

In thinking back on what was in my hand, there was an additional message that really irked me and I commented to a friend, that after missions, my second greatest passion was wishing to see more women in leadership who would speak to the rest of us women in leadership, and help us out. How to balance family and ministry, how to be submissive and lead...these are big deal topics and we needed them addressed better. This little aside was essentially forgotten until yesterday, when the discussion came up among family members (bad start right there) about women in ministry and what role's were appropriate for them. Then today, a podcast by a female leader addressed this same issue. Aha! God is obviously speaking!! And then, during the podcast a statement was made that is something else that I spoke out and against during my time in ministry. Okay God, I get it!

Now let me be clear, I'm not intending to address ANY of these issues specifically here. Today is more of the processing day. I'm in the midst of working through what exactly I'm supposed to do now that my attention is focused. That rising up in my spirit is at work though.

This year's journey is one messed up, mixed up, confusing place to be. Why address so very many things in me all at once? What exactly is the point here? Is this just a time of listening and learning? If so, I wonder if I'm hearing that right stuff.... Remember, I am a lover of plans and order. This whole throw a bunch of stuff together thing just doesn't do it for me! It seems to obviously do it for God though, so I guess He's decided we're going to do this His way. I suppose I ought to go with it and assume at some point there will be order and a clearly mapped out plan. :)

Studio Makeover

I started off well. I got part of the floor painted. Then I moved furniture around - for two days. Then put the same furniture back, just in different spots. Yesterday, after I got through every other thing on my to-do list, my order came in, and I excitedly went to finish my makeover.

The original plan was to completely redo the whole studio. Then I realized I liked the wall color, so I'd just paint the floor. Then, my 'dream' storage and furniture didn't drop in price the way I daydreamed they would, which left them still more expensive then I would like them to be. Then I realized that some of the furniture I could use, was buried under all the things I moved to redo the studio in the first place. This left me with more future cleaning and redoing, so it sat. 

Making over the studio has turned into essentially cleaning the studio. And painting the floor. And pondering on if I really want to make it over at all. In order to create the space I really want, I not only have to be willing to do no crafting during that time, but I also will have to part with some of my favorite things. I like some of my favorite things. 

I think today, I'm going to sit at my now clean work space, take a gander around the room, and decide what I really want the room to be - at the very least, clean and organized, at the very most an inspirational space with all my most fave things. What do you do with a 6 ft. long walking spinning wheel? It really doesn't fit with any of the other decor.... What do you do with two treadle sewing machines, that you got for incredible prices but don't use? What do you do with craft supplies that you get out and use when the mood strikes you....twice a year?

Time to makeover my vision I guess....or just sit and craft in my clean and tidy space and see what comes to me!

Great Friday

Today is Good Friday. It is also the day the US joined WWI. The Library of Congress shared that fact today. Throughout the day I've read interesting tweets, posts, blogs, articles, verses, etc... about today and this weekend. Did you know it's a full moon? Did you know that liars and manipulator's destroy relationships? Did you know it is better for you if you forgive and move on? Did you know that so & so wrote a new book? Did you know you can compare a fart to true love?

There have been Bible verses throughout the day also. I think every reference to every sentence that describes Jesus death has been located and placed somewhere.

I personally said that it was a Great Friday...what else is there to say about a day, or couple of days, where we pause to remember what 1 man did? Doesn't matter if you believe He was the son of God, believe He was a great prophet or even if you believe He's real or not. If nothing else, believe that this person was memorable enough that for thousands of years we all stop and think about why he was memorable. At the very least he was a remarkable person. No one else in all of history has managed to create such tremendous controversy, debate, discussion, disagreement AND manage to have done so by telling us to love another and God. Most historical figures are known for their line of work, heartless treatment of others, something other than being nice.

At the very most he was indeed the son of God, who really did die for our sins...mine, yours, ours....pretty remarkable. At the very least, he would have been interesting to talk to. At the very most, He still is interesting to talk to. At the very least, he was kind. At the very most, He was far nicer and more loving than I'll ever hope to be .At the very least, he died for no reason. At the very most He died for the most important and best reason of all.

Something to think about, amid farts and love, WWI and the full moon.

Happiness

I don't know if you all heard, but March Sadness, whoops, I mean Madness, ended this past Monday. Kentucky beat Kansas, and now a whole year before it invades my home again! Whew! It was touch and go there for awhile as I thought it might invade forever! I quit paying attention as soon as my fave team was done....the very first weekend. :(

So I'm happy once again, as my hubby is no longer tied to the television - how many college sports challenges does 1 person need anyway? Silly me, preseason baseball will convert all those channels! Without formally counting, I believe there are approximately 1 hundred sports channels...I think I might be off by about 1000, but I just guessed.

Now that nicer weather is here kind of. Or at least coming here, I'd rather be outside enjoy it. For too many years now, I've had to sit and watch. I'm feeling so much better though, that I'm a bit anxious to see if I'm better enough to actually participate this year! That's my second happiness moment - the thought that I might be able to go on bike rides with the family, instead of hearing about it.

Now if only summer would descend in a slight, rather shy manner, sharing it's 80's with us for an extended period of time. It may keep the 90's and 100's to itself, as these temps are not good for anything but boating and swimming.

Grateful

There aren't words to describe how grateful I am to God right now. Right here in front of me sit a bunch of facts, that in my business major brain, make no sense whatsoever. Yet you can't argue with facts. And yes, they're facts - plain, simple, straightforward facts.

They represent God's provision. God's provision that I barely saw at the time, but now, see so clearly, that I'm in awe. Only God could have done it. No mistake, no coincidence, no confusion, no doubt.

So I'm grateful, and humble, and awed, and astounded. Another miracle, but only when looking backward. How sad I didn't see it at the time. At least I see it now, clearly.

So thank you Lord. Thank you for your provision, mercy, wisdom, and love for me. Thank you for stretching me until I thought I would break. Thank you for being you! I'm sure I'll need you to remind of this from time to time. I'm sure there will be more stretching along the way. But tonight I'm just so grateful!!

Workout

I just spent over an hour outside, in the fresh air, working in the garden. I think that should qualify as a workout! Plus Hannah & I walked a few blocks down to a friends.

The plan had been to maybe contemplate doing some of my workout video this morning. But I was uninspired. I think however I will count my outdoor time as my 'workout', especially since it involved stretching, weights, lifting, pruning, etc... It smells absolutely yummy out there. That fresh mowed, new dirt, flower blooming, spring smell.

Let that be a lesson to me....when uninspired, go do something else, and maybe you'll find either inspiration, or the same results! I know my back and arms already know they were doing something out of the ordinary! Let me say that raking leaves does not require the same muscle groups as carrying laundry baskets.