What's the Problem?

I haven't written in like a million years! It seems that the busier life gets, the more I disconnect from everything. My 'free' time is used for napping, vegging, and whatever else doesn't require me to think, give, do, or even be!

Today, amid some of the most amazing things beginning to unfold, I realized that I was feeling a little bit off. I just couldn't find that joy or thrill. I found that I was actually almost against the good.....but why? Finally, after a discussion with someone on a totally different topic, it dawned on me that I wasn't against all this good, I was afraid of it! When you've been working, praying, watching, attempting patience, and nothing seems to ever be happening, you come to a place of acceptance and just carry on.

BUT, when all of a sudden things rapidly start to shift, even when you wanted them too, you come to a place of having to accept and move. It starts as disbelief - "Oh, isn't that nice", and you just keep moving forward. Then you reach shock - "Oh, I think this is good & is maybe what I prayed for", and you kind of keep moving forward with a bit of wonder. Finally, you hit ummmmm - "Oh my goodness! This is what I waited & prayed for.....and it's happening! BUT, is it time? Is it real? Should I be relieved? Is it really going to happen? Maybe I should just sit here?!" You just stop and stare at what's in front of you not really knowing how to react.

That would be me today. It made me think though about how often what actually stands in our way of moving forward is US! How often do we have an opportunity to see something happen and we get scared or feel intimidated or worse, we feel unworthy of it, and then we just stop or walk away? What's the problem? Or should I ask, what's the REAL problem?

I've worked with so many different teams of people over the years. Sometimes I was the leader, sometimes I was just a participant. In each case one phrase was always used - "Do you believe in what you're doing?" It wasn't always a question that fit perfectly, but it suggested that we needed to see the value of our actions within the bigger picture. When we doubt our abilities, our strengths, or what we have to offer, it paralyzes us.

Who would want to look stupid or be moving towards a big goal only to have it flop - no one wants to take the fall or blame for something that didn't work out quite right. What would people think!

For me, I had gotten so comfortable in not expecting anything to happen, that when something finally did happen, it shook my comfort zone! I have a dear friend who has been in a similar boat. Plod, plod, plod, wait, wait, wait and then bam! Blessing pours out but doesn't look like anything that was being waited on! In each of our cases, the bam exceeded our expectations without even remotely looking like what we were waiting for.

When I was, ahem 'younger', I was so thrilled for each new adventure. Now that I'm not younger, I find that each new adventure has become relative to my safety, security and comfort zone. If it feels off, I sit longer looking at it, weighing all the options and pro's and con's. Is that the problem? Do we stand in our own way, forgetting the fun of new adventures? Have we just seen enough to know that life is actually very fleeting and we only have so much of it? Do we realize that we are no longer invincible? Are we fearful and less full of confidence?

What I finally realized today was that I was standing in my own way. I have blessing right in front me, and I'm a little nervous about it! All along I believed it would eventually happen, and when it did - I got scared. I am certainly capable of handling everything in front of me. I have honed a lot of the skills needed and juggled far more in a short amount of time. However, I think I became a little too content with the good and stopped looking for the great! I think I accepted the 'wait on Me' answer so well that what I actually heard was 'no'. Since patience is not my fave virtue, I think I became an overachiever in the patience category, and gave up on the hope & dream of adventure. I allowed content to become boring and doubtful, but excused it as a positive.

What's the problem? Me. What's the solution? Get out of my own way! How will I do that? By thanking God for provision, protection, blessing, growth, and timing! His ways are not mine, and I'm really grateful for that today! His way has proven much better and I'm much more confident in the outcome which is now totally dependent on Him, and not on me at all! I get to wake up, do what I love to do, and watch Him work it all out!